The Once and Future Friendship
by BlackBandit111
Summary: On a quest one night, Merlin ponders certain aspects of Arthur's personality and worries. "If I die on one of these quests...will you miss me?" It leads to certain revelations. Reveal fic. No slash.


There was nothing obvious to the eye that might hint at the fact that this quest was different from all the others. King Arthur often went on such expeditions, which meant that it usually involved magic and always included danger. If one looked closer however, they might've noticed that it was special. One of the single most important events in the King and his manservant's relationship was about to happen.

Merlin wasn't sure what brought the question to mind. There weren't many things troubling him- besides the usual, of course. "The usual" just happened to consist of attempted assassinations and the latest riddle provided by Kilgharrah who, as always, decided it was the perfect time to fly off just as he was questioning the meaning of said riddle. And his destiny. God forbid anyone let him forget that for even a moment.

The rock digging stubbornly into his skin through the thin sleeping mat was also at the forefront of his mind, and no matter how many ways he turned, it always managed to find a place to bother him.

It was a beautiful night. Through the leaves on the trees the bright stars could be spotted clearly, winking down on the inhabitants of the clearing. The moon looked kindly down upon their slumbering figures, keeping a silent vigil over them through the dark hours. The embers of the fire were dying out, a faint amber glow emitting from the dying coals. The heaviest, dirtiest smoke had long since vanished, leaving a crisp woodsy scent by the campsite. The scent of lavender surrounding the site invaded the camp, making everything seem serene and still.

There was no reason at all for dark thoughts (or questions) to invade his head.

It was dark, the only light provided by the moon, guarding them as it always did. Merlin and Arthur were the only ones awake. Arthur was on watch and Merlin was having difficulty closing his eyes and drifting off, staring into the fading flames. He wished the solution to his restlessness could be found there. It had been a day of endless work, and he was physically exhausted; his mind, however, would not let him rest.

"Arthur, if I died on one of these quests... would you miss me?" The words left Merlin's mouth as he thought them, and the moment he spoke, he regretted it. Arthur had turned towards him, forgetting his stick to the fire as he had poked it moodily. Merlin could see his companion's face clearly, the light from the flames illuminating all of his features.

Arthur's mouth hung open, his brows creased. His face was painted in his hurt, and Merlin felt his cheeks heat up in shame. He ducked his head, swallowing, lowering his eyes from Arthur's face.

"Why on Earth would you ever ask such a thing?" Arthur's shock was evident in his voice. Merlin shifted uneasily, sitting up. He threw his blanket off of his legs, picking at a loose thread in his jacket to avoid looking at his King. He didn't know what had brought the question about, but now that it had been spoken, Merlin realized that it had been what was plaguing his mind.

Would Arthur miss him? Merlin hoped- figured- he would, but there was always that nagging thought, that dark voice that tortured him constantly. The same voice that told him that poisoning Morgana was the only option, then the very second he did plagued him mercilessly. He already harbored an enormous amount of guilt for things as it was. The voice just tripled it.

Would Arthur miss him as a friend? Surely.

Would Arthur miss him if he knew the truth?

That was what worried him.

The fates spoke of the land he and Arthur would create together; the Once and Future King with his advisor by his side, guiding him, a light to shine in the darker places.

But Arthur was constantly calling him useless and, no matter how untrue it might've been, it still stung. He was continuously threatening to fire him and the banter nowadays seemed harsher and less entertaining. Merlin didn't know why. Of course Arthur would miss Merlin- his friend, his manservant. They were more than friends but less than brothers. They were stuck in the shades of grey between reality, stuck fast, unable to escape or move forward. And always, always there was that lingering, burning doubt at the back of Merlin's mind.

Would Arthur resent Merlin if he found out? Would Arthur forgive him?

Would Arthur turn him in? Kill him? Could the King find it in himself to kill Merlin, his friend?

The thought made Merlin slightly sick, and he clenched his eyes shut, waiting for the feeling to pass. It stuck with him though, refusing to move along, and Merlin took a deep breath. This breath, however, was sucked from his lungs at the next words.

"Of course I'd miss you, Merlin."

Merlin's eyes snapped open, widening as he looked up incredulously at his friend. "This isn't a joke."

"I'm not joking," Arthur said, his tone brooching absolutely no argument. It was serious, low, and flat, and left Merlin slightly reassured. Merlin swallowed, finding himself incapable to believe his friend. Something felt off.

"Arthur, I'm serious," he said once more, his jaw tightening. His gut churned.

"So am I." Arthur returned, his lips drawn into a thin line and brows furrowed. Would Arthur lead him on like this? He'd done so before, but not quite so cruelly. Arthur seemed to know how serious Merlin's question was, but if he was disregarding the matter with false words (which he had done on other occasions) or was actually concerned, Merlin honestly wasn't sure.

At his skeptical look, Arthur scoffed. "Come on then, Merlin- you can't possibly be so much of an idiot?" When Merlin continuously held his look, Arthur relented. "Alright, so I might've done little things like it before. But I wouldn't joke about this. Of course I'd miss you, Merlin. You're my friend." Arthur paused, letting this sink in. Merlin clung to his every word, so genuine and sincere and more than he'd ever said about their unspoken friendship. "Merlin, what brought this on?"

"Nothing!" he said quickly. Arthur raised an eyebrow. "I don't know. I just got… Curious. And- well...lately you've been so- so stressed I suppose about kingship," Merlin wished he hadn't started this sentence at all, "and I just- erm, well-" this was going horribly wrong, Merlin realized too late. "And you seem so short tempered and angry with me all the time and…"

Arthur blew a huge breath out of his cheeks. "Gods, Merlin. Just because I've been centering my anger onto the wrong person- that'd be you- doesn't mean that I don't like you. It just means that I've been...unfair." He swallowed, staring at Merlin over the firelight. The sounds of crickets surrounded them and an owl hooted somewhere close by. The King took a deep breath. "And I'm sorry."

Merlin took a shaky breath, his fears alleviated. He was so comfortable and so reassured...was now the time?

Definitely not.

No.

Please no.

Don't do this.

"I have magic," he blurted, and just as quickly snapped his jaws shut. Panic quickly flooded his senses as he glanced around, looking for an escape route, for surely he was in for it now. Arthur would unsheath his sword and calmly walk over, eyes stormy with betrayal and hurt and just end it there. End destiny, end friendship, end everything they'd ever had; their brotherhood, their companionship. None of it would matter at all, it would be disregarded and surely seen as spy work. Arthur would never forgive him- maybe he'd regret what he'd done afterwards, but not nearly as much as he regretted letting Merlin grow close to him.

This conversation shouldn't have started at all. Merlin should've just kept his huge mouth shut and let the whole damn thing go instead of stewing and going and-

"I know, Merlin."

The world ground to a stop and the forest held its breath. Merlin's chin trembled.

"I know everything. I know what you've done for me...for Camelot…Everything." Merlin took a shaky breath, eyes wide. "...The knights know, too. They haven't told anyone. I…" Arthur ran a hand through his hair. "I won't tell anyone or, or do anything to you, Merlin. I hope you know that. I hope that you can believe that, someday."

Merlin sat there, mouth open, eyes wide. He didn't even register the small streams left from tears that stained his cheeks, or the wetness dripping off of his chin. Arthur sat there a moment, fidgeting and almost looking like he wanted to wipe them away. He grasped Merlin's arm instead, kneeling before him so Merlin was looking down at him. Arthur's eyes sparkled as he looked into Merlin's face.

"And I hope that, someday, you'll find it somewhere in yourself to forgive me." He took another deep breath, his face softening in understanding. "And I hope that someday, when you forgive me, you can find the understanding to tell me freely all you've done." He paused. "Until then, Merlin, I consider nothing changed. You are still my manservant, as annoying and disobedient as ever and I know you'll still be. You'll still do chores- don't think you've gotten out of those- and I'll still rant and rage and throw goblets at your head." He paused. "But I can't do that if you're dead."

Merlin swallowed, his shoulders quirking up and down with restrained sobs. Arthur stared at the ground, his blond head bowed. Merlin couldn't see his face. "Arthur?" He asked quietly, his voice cracking like a child's.

Arthur looked up.

"I don't hate you, Merlin. You're my best friend. I couldn't bear to lose you."

And in that moment, Fate smiled down at Arthur Pendragon and Merlin Emrys, knowing that she'd created something incredible and was gifted with watching the friendship she'd sparked turn into something special.


End file.
